me - fat = yay!!

Okay, quite obviously my 10 readers have completely abandoned me because I am a shitty poster!! I only have myself to blame. That being said, this will be a good time to show before and after pictures of my weight loss-- 20lbs since January 1!! Woo-Hoo for moi!

Here is Before:

And after:

Sigh. One day my children will care. Or perhaps not. It was a mixture of healthy eating (thank you weight watchers cookbooks!!), tons of water and pilates. Go me!

End of an Era...maybe?!?!?

We are on day 3 without a nap. She is, thankfully, still not complaining about going down for one, but I can hear her kicking and playing for about an hour before summoning me to her room.

Sigh.

Why do they have to grow up and shit.

Does anyone think it may be a phase? Does anyone care?

In other news: HAPPY 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always love the start of the new year. So full of promises, so full of hope, so full of days to screw your kids up more...

Ahhhhhh, the positivity. I, of course, have to point out that 2007 was a pretty decent year for me in the "resolution" department. As most of you know, I quit smoking March 2007, and stayed smoke-free to this very day. Alas, this brings me to the start of my new resolution for 2008. As I type, I can see my belly in my peripheral vision. Thanks to my healthy resolution of no smoking, I have picked up a not so healthy habit of EATING LIKE A FUCKING PIG. So, the time has come to shed some pounds.

Y'all know I can do it.

4 months ago today, anyone, anyone, Bueller?!?!?

MeMeMeMe...part 2

No, I didn't forget about the next installment of my exciting self! We've been a little bummed out this holiday weekend due to the untimely virus that has descended upon our eldest child. Let's put it this way: I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep Friday night. Ouch! Luckily, this leads me to # 8 and 9 on this little game.



8. I absolutely hate vomit. I know most people don't prefer it, but it really sends me spiraling down into a black hole of depression (wow, dramatic much!). As a child, vomiting made me cry like a baby and are part of my most vivid childhood memories. Negative memories. I always said that taking care of a vomiting child should be a prerequisite for teenagers and young 20 year olds. I swear it would be the best birth control/abstinence method than any lecture.



9. I love my sleep. I think this drives Wade crazy because he can operate on so few hours and still be amazingly productive. He always says, "you're going to bed already?!?!?", but I love to curl up in bed with my book before going to sleep. Heaven.



10. I enjoy being by myself. Not always, of course, but after having kids that are so time consuming and....well, chatty, it's kind of nice to just be able to sit there with my little old self and just be quiet. Ahhh....you all should try it some time.



11. I don't like noisy things. Concerts, fireworks, guns shooting, exhaust backfire, busy restaurants (ha!!), balloons popping, dogs barking, etc. God, I am a pain in the ass!



12. I like lots of lights on while I'm awake. Some can vouch that I am really bad about turning lights out after leaving a room, but it's because I like the lights on when I come back to that room. Wade turns the lights off to take and shower and shave. What's that about? I have to be able to see what I am eating, reading, writing, watching etc. Makes sense to me.



13. I am vehemently opposed to my kids sleeping in my bed. I'm sure this has something to do with #9 because I would imagine kicking legs and swinging arms would disrupt my beauty sleep. No, but really, I think it has more to do with the fact that I am with my kids all day (for the most part) and it's only reasonable for us to have our personal space.



14. I am selfish. After re-reading this post, it is now more clear than ever how selfish I am! Wow, who knew this would be an exercise in personal reflection!!!



Hope everyone had a wonderfully non-soggy Memorial weekend!!!!

MeMeMeMeMe

I've been blogging for about a year now and just got tagged! Twice! On the same day! I feel so special. But this is kinda hard. Brooke and Ashli both got me so I'll start with 7 now and do 7 more on the next post. Enjoy!




1. I DO NOT like to clean. This may not come as a shock to most of you. But I believe it is an important part of who I am, so I thought that I just had to share it. My mom was a clean freak and always cleaned up after me, so my theory is that I never learned how to. My poor kids have no chance in this area as well. I really try but we all know it's about the role-model . Just prayin' they make enough money for a housekeeper!



2. I absolutely worship reality t.v. Don't know really know what I did with myself before it. It all started with Big Brother 1 in September '00 and I've been hooked ever since.



3. My husband and I are complete opposites. No really. I like to plan;he plans nothing. I like 3 square meals; he eats random meals throughout the day and night. I discipline; he doesn't. I'm a freak about time; his sense of time is whacked out. The list goes on and on. Pop culture tries to tell you that the old adage "opposites attract" is for the birds and that couples need to be more alike than not, blah blah. I'm here to tell you how untrue that is for us! So there!



4. I hate dining al fresca. I swear food tastes different outside. And different being worse.



5. I loathe flies. I am more freaked out by them than bees, wasps etc. Ever since the movie "The Fly" I have been forever changed. This is the main reason I hate eating outside (see above).


6. My husband does 75% of my clothes shopping for me. And no, it's not cause he has to pick out what is proper for me. He likes it and is quite good at it. Most people think that is strange, but it's kinda like Christmas several times a year!


7. I have never broken a bone and have only been in the hospital 2 times for 2 births! I like to think it's because of my incredible coordination (and good luck, of course).


More to follow...

the #6

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe it's been six (long!but enjoyable!) years! Good God, that doesn't seems right. We had the party at Pump It Up and the girls had so much fun, although I have so many problems/issues with that place. I won't get into them here, but MY GOD, those pump it up owners are raking it in! They have the lowest overhead, only hiring highschool age kids to run the damn thing. Anywho, it was better than I thought it would be with very little tears shed by anyone. Syd was awesome, basically roaming around by herself, having her own little pump it up party. Here is a picture of her towards the end looking a bit forlorn. Cutie!!



So,yes, I am still a non-smoker although Friday night was sooo hard. My friend Meredith is in town from San Diego and we went out with an old highschool buddy (Jeff for Jenn and Maja, if you are reading!) and we had a blast. Of course, Meredith and Jeff got a couple drinks in them and they were all, "LET'S SMOKE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!" I'm all, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I just quit and I hate you people!!" So, I kindly refused and watched them gloriously smoke their cigarettes. It was tough, but after I got home I was so happy I didn't break down cause, seriously, I would have been so pissed at myself. I also used Leslie's "cognitive therapy" to help me (Thanks, Leslie). But we had so much fun reminiscing about old times and then comparing that to our lives now. So different. I mean those are the kind of conversations that really make you feel old. And grown up. How does that happen?

believe it or don't

I am officially smoke-free and it's the craziest thing I've ever experienced. Let me just start by saying that some people don't believe in hypnosis because they think it's some kind of voodoo bullshit. It's not. It's an alternate state of relaxation where your nervous system basically goes to sleep while your conscious mind remains awake, eyes closed and very relaxed, but still awake. It is in that state that your mind it open to suggestions, hence, the suggestion that smoking is for the birds. It was creepy people. I'm not going to go into the hypnosis part itself cause it's too long and boring, but I will say that I remember ever single word that was said and for much of the time kept thinking, "is this really gonna work cause he's just telling me to not smoke and, c'mon, who hasn't told me that?" But, I'll be damned. I officially haven't smoked for almost 48 hours. and that shit is crazy. Aside from the pregnancies, I can't remember when I went 2 days( much less 2 hours!)

So, what do I feel like, you say? I actually feel the same as before only I have no desire to smoke. I don't have that, "i'm gonna fucking rip my hair out if I don't smoke" feeling. Most of my fleeting thoughts are of thinking I need to smoke, but then are corrected by "the new me." For example, Wade called me Tuesday afternoon and said, "I'll pick the kids up around 6 and get ice cream." My instant fleeting thought was, "Oh good, I can smoke." And then I remembered that I don't smoke anymore. This scenario has happened about 100 times since I quit. I got rid of the desire, now it's up to me to kick the actual habit part. And it's oh so hard, but sooooooo much easier at the same time. I can totally see how my day was centered and surrounded by smoking just from the fleeting thoughts. I have all the confidence in myself to stay quit and I feel like each day that goes by the thoughts of smoking will fade (like a puff of smoke...sorry, couldn't help myself).

This is the chant he told me while under hypnosis and I keep saying it to myself.
"I am now a non-smoker and will be a non-smoker for the rest of my life"...a bit cheesy, but WHO CARES he somehow tricked my mind into believing it. Give it up for me, people!!!!!!!!!!

The Love Affair

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, yes, I am still alive and that I am sorry for not posting, but we have had numerous computer/camera issues that have left met with little motivation. So on to more pressing issues...

For those of you who know me well, know that I have been battling my addiction to nicotine for all of my adult life. I guess battling is not the correct term to use because that would involve fighting against it and that is something I haven't done. In the 17!! years that I have smoked I have only quit three times. Two of those were when the little girls were in utero and the other time was when Wade made me quit on Grace's first birthday. I lasted 5 months, which is pretty damn good, considering. I quit cold turkey and had the worst, most depressing 5 months. I felt deprived and resentful the entire time. I was just never able to consider myself a non-smoker. It defined me. It was my one and only coping mechanism, which I believe is why I couldn't stay a non-smoker after the pregnancies. I just loved it, LOVE it, and the possibility of doing without made me sick with fear.

So, my friends, the time has finally come. I have come to a point in my life where it is not as enjoyable for me. I finally hate the way it smells, hate the way my life and day is run by my need to smoke. I seriously feel like a crackhead. I have a cigarette and within 10 minutes am wondering when I will get my next "fix". It's pathetic and ridiculous, but mostly just flat out selfish. I have 2 beautiful daughters that, more than likely, don't want to have to take care of their lung cancer-ridden mother during the last few years of her life. I now know, unfortunately, what it's like to lose a mother. Why would I willingly do that to them? Pure selfishness.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 is my quit day. I have an appointment for hypnosis which you can read about here. I am sooo excited to finally be free!!

Happy Birthday to me!

I am really not one to get all into the birthday cheer, but thanks to my 5 year old (and my 36 year old) there's no getting around it. Grace reminded me at least 6 days prior to the big day that "3 more days..." etc. All that to say, my darling hubby has far exceeded expectations again. We've got the big trip to Vegas this weekend (sooooooo excited I can barely stand it!!!!!!!!!!) but also an ungodly amount of gifts. He thrives on this and now he's got the little one in on it too. I can already see that he is making Grace into the gift giving fool that he is. She made me a total of 12 drawings and helped him pick everything out. Yesterday (my actual birthday) right before her ballet performance she was "sharing" with the group. Mind you she stated this in front of the entire group of parents, "Grace what would you like to share today?" "Today is my mom's birthday and I picked her out a lacy bra and panties for her!" THANKS!! However, the point not to be lost is that I really do need these things and Grace knew that, hence, she picked them out all by herself. The whole gift was entirely her idea. And this is where I get happy. My husband has this uncanny ability to pick out gifts for people that they will love and need. He seems to be passing this ability on to Grace. So proud! because if you think about this, that ability is pretty rare. I know it is impossible for me; I'll think about what to get someone (including my husband) for hours!!! And then Wade will think of something and it will be PERFECT AND WHY DIDN"T I THINK OF THAT!!
Anywho, the birthday celebration was fabulous if not slightly bittersweet. It was the first time in 33 years that my mom didn't tell me "happy birthday" and, you know, that was tough. I better just get used to it, cause we've got Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. Whew. Where is that hole I can crawl into.

Thank you Wade!and Grace! for always knowing just what I need. XOXOX

grumpy

Today is one of those days. Do you ever just realize in the middle of breakfast that you are just grumpy and can't shake it. It makes me mad because I have an awesome life, good kids, sweet husband but there is just this underlying feeling of grumpiness. There are a few factors that could be lending itself to this:
1). School is officially out at 11:15 on Thursday. This is the first summer that we don't have a consistent school schedule to fall back on. Last summer we had Mother's Day Out and I only had to worry about 3 weeks in August. Sure, we have camps lined up, 2 vacation tentatively in the works, but I have this feeling of uneasiness. I know things will be fine, but right this second I am feeling extreme anxiety. I will admit that I am spoiled about my time. I like the idea that on days that I have a babysitter (for the baby) that I can just go hang out at Starbucks by myself. I'm selfish like that.
2). Money: we are tight right now. Wade says, "we are cash poor but real estate rich." Okay, that doesn't help us too much when its time to pay the bills. Which I feel like I do everyday! If I were to disclose how much our monthly bills were you people (all 2 of you) would fall off your computer chairs and have to be resuscitated back to life. Yea, so that makes those tentative trips scheduled for this summer look farther and farther from reality.
3). Anxiety- I can feel it creeping back into my life and I really, really, really don't want to get back on medication. When I got off of my anti-depressant in February the withdrawal symptoms were AWFUL! You are probably wondering why in the world I would get off the medication the month after my mom died, but I was on it for postpartum (or to ward it off). And I've been good for the most part, oh, and I don't want to gain that weight back. I know it's vain, but I can't wrap my brain around getting fat and not really even eating that much. It's just stupid. If I'm gonna get fat I at least want to enjoy the food part.

So that's how I am feeling today and I'm sure tomorrow will be better, it usually is! Just gotta breathe!!

Medals in may!!!!!!!!!!

First, I want to start out by saying thank you to everyone who offered encouragement and support to me during this incredibly difficult holiday. I really appreciate it.
Now onto more fun topics...like the most embarrassed I've been in 2006. Grace had her "gymnastic performance" last night and I think I'll tell the rest in pictures
"O.K. gymnasts see if one of your parents will jump in the pit with you! YEA!!!! ." me: that was actually kind of fun. wow, that felt kinda weird.
me: now wait a minute, I can't get up from this position me: no really, I need some help, Wade, dad STOP FILMING and give me a hand. Meanwhile, everyone, all parents, children, siblings, teachers are staring at me. I feel like its the innocent bystander situation and no one wants to help the victim here. And I can't quit laughing, but no one is laughing except my immediate family. People are ready for me to get out, BUT I CAN"T! thank you Grace for at least trying to help your fat ass mama. But, try as she might, she still only weighs 38 pounds. HELP SOMEONE!

thank you teacher-lady, it's about time. Notice the pit has cleared out and everyone is just waiting on me. Let's see how long the crazy mom is gonna laugh and thrash around. screw the kid, I definitely deserve a medal for that show-stopping performance.