2 years

Unbelievably, it has been two years since the passing of my mother. January 23, 2006 was most definitely the day that changed my life forever. It sounds so trite, but you really can never be prepared.

Sadly, I was unable to make it to her grave today. Grace really wants to go and put down some pictures she has drawn for her, and I had to work late. Which was actually a God-send.

My favorite picture of us, taken Christmas Eve, just a month before she died.

Seriously, does she even look sick?

What a blessing.

(P.S. thank you hens, love you.)

R.I.P.

I don't even know how to tell the blogworld this utterly devastating news.

Our sweet, adorable little birdie is dead.

It really is sooo sad and we JUST trained her to stop freaking out when we open her cage and she had definitely taken to Grace, who had recently learned to get her in and out of the cage herself and walk her around on her shoulder.

The way she died is what is so absolutely horrid. She found a way out of her cage (WADE STOP ASKING HOW SHE GOT OUT) and, get ready, one of the dogs killed her. Grace saw the bird in Curly's mouth and started screaming bloody murder. Then I came in the room and started screaming at the dogs at the top of my lungs and then Wade came down the stairs assuming that someone was missing a limb and confirmed the news: she was indeed dead. Most likely a puncture to the lung.

I cannot tell you how sad my daughter was. She cried and cried until her face was melting off. And there was not a God Damn things I could do. Except hug her and tell her I was so sorry. Seriously. This is not okay.

Saddest part of the entire event. Sydney was bawling while we were screaming and she kept repeating the phrase, "sissy, STICKY TAPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" For those of you that don't know Dora, sticky tape is what she used to repair a hot air balloon and various other broken gear. So sad. And also really freakin' smart.

R.I.P. Abigail. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from the big bad wolves.

The 2nd Christmas

Grace continues to amaze me in her memory and/or willingness to remember my mom. For those of you that know G, are already aware of her, ahem, inability to see the big picture.... But today, 2 days before Christmas, she feels the need to tell Sydney about my mom.

"Cici is dead, " to which Sydney replies, "oh (pondering)..., sissy dead."

After a lot of, "no, cici, not sissy" talk, Grace goes on to tell her that it is okay that she is dead because she still lives in "here" and points to her chest.

*Insert me DYING*

I shit you not. I have never told her that. I'm sure someone has, but nonetheless, it is strange to hear my six year old say these words.

We then go downstairs and Grace tells me that she is going to draw a beautiful picture for Cici. For Christmas. Because it was her favorite holiday.

She's trying to kill me.

How does she remember this? It may be because we still talk about her (at least Wade, my brother and I) and she has simply heard it from our mouths. Who knows? It still breaks my heart.

And makes me proud.

Mother's Day...again...

Dear Mom,
The truth of the matter is that life is a bit easier since my last Mother's Day post. I didn't think it was possible during the time of writing that post. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, like these Mother's Day moments where I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. But somehow, I pick my ass up and keep moving. Soooo much has changed since then. Grace is now 6 and will be repeating Kindergarten. Those damn Montessori teachers don't think she is "getting the big picture" of life. Can you even imagine that? Oh, okay, fine, she may have inherited a little flightiness from her mother,er,grandmother. Just sayin'. Needless to say, she's still a little sweetie, with her personal moments of bitchiness, but oh so helpful and sweet to her sister. She has turned into quite the little sport as well, playing basketball and soccer for her school team. She was able to pick up the basics pretty well and got pretty good on the last game. Go figure. Her personal favorite happens to be your personal favorite as well: Ballet. Her recital on a big stage is next week and it's going to be unforgettable. Wish you could sit next to me. I always wish you could sit next to me for all these important and special moments. I'm bound and determined for her to not forget you, mom. I'm doing my best.
Sydney is full of piss and vinegar. This is the one that made me dust off all the discipline books. She is sooo different from Grace, sometimes in good ways, some in not-so-good ways. The good ways: she is very perceptive of her surroundings and LOVES to see lots of people. Just today at church she ran into the parish hall to find Daddy Dad shouting and smiling, "daddy dad, daddy dad, daddy dad." No doubt she would have done that to you as well. The not-so-good ways include tantrums, shouting, hard to calm moments etc. Our little crusher.
Wade is going through momentary craziness at this point in his life. I'm slightly waiting for him to crack from the amount of pressure he puts on himself. The girls worship him and I still have to get on him for spoiling them too much. You know, same old stuff. He's doing his best.
Bubby is still doing well, although he did start smoking again. For shame! He and Wally seem genuinely happy together and it is so nice to witness this.
Daddy Dad. I don't even know where to begin. Let's put it this way: he is definitely following in grandad's footsteps. I'm holding my breath waiting for the marital announcement. You'd be shocked at the number of your friends that are perfectly o.k. with him doing this. Shocked. Bubby and I have got your back. Her fanny (or belongings) will be no where near that house if I have anything to do with it. Kay? That's really all I have to say about that except that my heart does breaks for you a little bit.
And me. You know how I'm doing cause I feel you with me all the time and am so thankful for that. (Just in case you didn't notice: I quit smoking!! Yay!!! You would be so proud!).
Love you til I see you,
Ginny

365 days

*I started this post around the actual anniversary, but it has taken me some time to peice this together.

I cannot believe it has been one year. It freaks me out because it flew by and trickled by all at the same time. I had really great intentions for writing another letter to my mom, but at this moment I just don't have it in me. When I think about all the things I want to say to my mom I get overwhelmed. I know everyone knows how hard and sad it is, but it's those little, everyday things that really get me. I think about how much she would have LOVED Sydney. When Grace was her age she was much more serious and wary of people, even my own parents. We had just moved back from Chicago and Grace wasn't that warm or affectionate with them. Sydney would have been quite the opposite just judging by how personable she is, especially with my dad. My mom would have dug that.

This is what Sydney looked like the last time my mom saw her:

And Grace:

Weird, huh. I feel like my life has changed so much, mostly for the better. I got my new job which, as everyone knows, I LURVE! But there is still a feeling that sweeps over me every great once in a while that makes me feel that life is oh so unfair. Telling my dad the funny stuff that Sydney does just isn't cutting it. My mom would have appreciated all that funny stuff, so, unfortunately, I have to bore my husband and friends with all her quirks. Sorry about that folks.

And I ask my dad questions that my mom would have known the answers to that my dad has no fucking clue. It bugs me to no end.
me:"Did mom fix us dinner EVERY single night?"
dad: "yea, I think she did"
me: "well, I know I was picky, did she fix me something different than the rest of the family?"
dad: "no, I think you ate what everyone ate, like pork chops."
me: "I didn't like meat when I was little, dad. I'm pretty sure I didn't like pork chops."
dad: "oh, well, then I don't know."

Argggggg....that shit really bothers me. My mom had a memory bank like a steel trap. She never forgot anything (unless it happened yesterday, but I'm talkin' long term memory here:))

But I am super thankful that Grace hasn't forgotten her. The other day I tested her memory by asking her what Cici looked like. She replied, "she wore glasses, she had those scratches on her face (wrinkles, so cute), and.....(thinking hard here)...she always wore lipstick!"

Damn straight.

sad, sad, loathing, loathing

Once again I am apologizing for the tardiness of my newest post. Okay, the title isn't allll true. We're pretty crazy in the Starr family. Wade is working an ungodly amount this month and I feel so sorry for him because he comes home and literally lays on the couch without uttering a word. I think his mouth hurts from talking so damn much and his legs hurt from running around that damn gigantic restaurant. Anyway. The holiday season is shaping up as expected with me continuing to run across things that my mom gave me last Christmas and me seeing things that she would have loved. Arggggg, it sucks. I found several pictures of myself with Sydney when she was about 3 months old that my mom had taken. I can remember exactly what we were doing. I was laying on her bed laughing while she took some darling shots of us. I look at myself in those pictures and I can't help but think I look so different. I hadn't yet been subjected to the fact that I would never see her again or hear her voice or eat her pot roast. It's just a really strange feeling that's hard to describe.

I have hesitated to write about this, but those of you who know me well already know this and that is the fact that my dad has a girlfriend. It's just soooo strange. Part of me thinks it helps him get through this time but another part of me thinks he is a selfish asshole that can't even give my mom the decency of one year to wait to fill up his social calendar with another hussy women. And the last part is definitely true. He goes out with her in some capacity every night. I simply cannot wrap my brain around this. And, yes, I know, men can't do anything without a woman taking care of him, or so everyone has told me. I find it absolutely asinine that we women can excuse and justify men's behavior on a daily basis. Blah! Anywho...all I really care about is not hearing anything about wedding bells, I think that would kill me. Dead. Dunzo. Gone. My brother assures me that this will not happen so I guess I'll hold him to that! If he's wrong he can help Wade lift my lifeless body from the couch...

I've been pretty sad today. A couple days ago was the 6 month mark. 98% of my day is fine and then something will happen and I'll be overcome with sadness.
I decided to go to the gravesite today. I hadn't been and I just decided that I would go there today. There's no headstone and no marker yet and I was frantically circling around the area where I knew it was and then it hit me. The spot was there, plain as day. The only grave that had yellowish new grass growing up. Because the spot is so fresh compared to the other ones. It was disturbing and I realized that it had only been 6 freakin' months! I couldn't stay but for a few minutes once I made that realization.
And then Grace asked me tonight before bed if I remembered the time CiCi told her she, "better put some ice in that soup," and did I remember that. I told her I didn't remember that and then it dawned on me that I can't really remember what her voice sounds like. If I think about it really really hard I kinda can, but not the way I want to.
Tomorrow is Sydney's birthday and I also think that is playing a role in this funky day.
I'm only writing these things for an outlet to get it out of my head and into words. It helps me immensely and so none of you people need to worry about me! Thanks for letting me get it out.

so it's like this:

for some reason God has decided that my life was far to easy for far too long. GOD: "oh, Ginny, you lived your life sheltered and (cough) spoiled. Now that your getting older and getting a dose of what life is really like I think it's time to start killing 'em off."

My grandad died last night. Yes, my father's father. If that is not the biggest slap in the face. Is it so much to ask to stagger deaths? This will be my 3rd funeral in 8 months. And one of those funerals was MY OWN MOTHER. I can't take this. It's crazy. Nobody else has family members dropping like flies. (*note: I really don't want anybody else to lose family members!) But really, this trend is becoming disturbing. Yes, he was very old. Yes, his wife died in November. Yes, he was probably ready to go to the other side. But my POOR DAD.
Me to GOD: Stop, for the love of you, just stop letting people die. I'm agreeing with you: I am spoiled and a little bit of a baby (stop laughing) but I get your point now and pleeeeease let me get back to living my naive and "nobody ever dies in my family" kind of life. I've stopped saying that and rest assured I will never utter those words again. Retreat! Retreat! Uncle! Anything! to! let! people! I! know!keep!living!..............................................

this hurts me and heals me all at the same time...

this was the exchange over breakfast:

Grace: does everyone have a mom?
me: everybody in the whole world.
Grace: but you don't have a mom.
me: that's true...but I used to have a mom. Remember?
(chomp, chomp, pause...)
Grace: do you miss your mom?
me: every single day.
(chomp, chomp)
Grace: cici still loves you though even though she's not really your mom anymore.
me: thanks Grace.
Grace: and I miss her too.

I hate church

Because it reminds me too much of my mom.

No, really, I love my church. Sure, it may be a little on the conservative side, but the people there are truly amazing. Our pastor, Father Bright is one bitchin' dude. He has 5 boys age 8-22. I think he may have Jamie beat. Imagine 5 Max's running around the house and now teenagers! You gotta love that guy. Anyway, it's just sooo depressing to go to church. I used to look forward to it. Kids in sunday school and mom and I hanging out talking and writing notes during church. It was kind of ridiculous. We talked on the phone/saw each other all the time, but somehow we still had so much to talk about at church of all places. I remember people sort of shooting us looks and me always telling my mom "shhhhh" because she couldn't hear all that well and so her whispers were like my normal voice. Now all the prayers and hymns just remind me of mom. I've been going to that church since my birth ( I took many years off when I wasn't living here, obviously) so it's no wonder that it reminds me of her.

And another thing. The strangest thing keeps happening to me. I keep almost calling her. I don't actually pick the phone up, but in my head I say, "gotta call mom and tell her _______" It's really bothering me! Why do I keep doing that? I started volunteering at the Remarkable Shop again on Thursday and right when I got in my car I had the overwhelming feeling to call her because I always called her once I got in my car. Weird? Annoying? Yes to both.

I'm trying to stay positive and find the good in situations so I've come up with one: the people at church are able to hear the sermon better now! Ah, who cares about them anyway!

Mother's Day

Dear mom,
So much has changed since you've been gone. Sydney is now crawling like crazy and just about to pull up. I remember the last thing she was doing before you left was the "airplane" on her stomach. You thought that was hilarious. She is really cute but definitely a brute. Grace celebrated her 5th birthday, but other than that, is about the same. Still the bubbly, funny girl you knew. She still gets her feelings her a lot though. She is constantly reminding me that you are in heaven with God. Suprisingly, she has never shed a tear and is very matter-of-fact when she talks about you. But I know she thinks about you often just by the sheer number of times she mentions you. It's her way.
Life really isn't the same without you. When I go out to dinner with daddy dad and bubby we have nothing to talk about. We just sort of stare at one another under the glare of this dull, slightly annoying silence peppered with meaningless conversation. I hope that goes away soon. You were definitely the glue that held this family together. You know dad is the same. He still seems tired all the time, but he is checking his blood sugar every day. Bubby is probably the best he's ever been. He quit smoking!!OH MY GOD!! He is still with Wally (much to dads chagrin) and they are going on 5 months which, as you know, is a record for him recently. He is finally in a better mood which is nice. Wade is doing great. He's getting ready to open 2 new restaurants. I'm sure you would be worried about him overextending himself, but it's Wade. The Deep Fork Grill still misses all your PR-- we've seen a dip in sales--just kidding. And then there is me. I really am doing ok. I've lost 16 pounds but am still smoking (sorry!) I'm going to get hypnotized in September though. It's really hard for me to go over to your house still. We don't really do dinner like we used to. When we do go over there, daddy dad and Grace still go upstairs and leave me downstairs with the baby. That's when we used to chat and fix dinner, taking turns holding her. Now when they go upstairs I think of how lonely I am without you and wish I could just CALL YOU. It's very frustrating and heartbreaking and maddening.
I know I am the luckiest daughter in the world for the time we shared. It certainly doesn't make things like Mother's Day any easier. Hopefully the first one will be the hardest, although I'm not really convinced that is true.
Love you till I see you,
Ginny