the #6

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe it's been six (long!but enjoyable!) years! Good God, that doesn't seems right. We had the party at Pump It Up and the girls had so much fun, although I have so many problems/issues with that place. I won't get into them here, but MY GOD, those pump it up owners are raking it in! They have the lowest overhead, only hiring highschool age kids to run the damn thing. Anywho, it was better than I thought it would be with very little tears shed by anyone. Syd was awesome, basically roaming around by herself, having her own little pump it up party. Here is a picture of her towards the end looking a bit forlorn. Cutie!!



So,yes, I am still a non-smoker although Friday night was sooo hard. My friend Meredith is in town from San Diego and we went out with an old highschool buddy (Jeff for Jenn and Maja, if you are reading!) and we had a blast. Of course, Meredith and Jeff got a couple drinks in them and they were all, "LET'S SMOKE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!" I'm all, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I just quit and I hate you people!!" So, I kindly refused and watched them gloriously smoke their cigarettes. It was tough, but after I got home I was so happy I didn't break down cause, seriously, I would have been so pissed at myself. I also used Leslie's "cognitive therapy" to help me (Thanks, Leslie). But we had so much fun reminiscing about old times and then comparing that to our lives now. So different. I mean those are the kind of conversations that really make you feel old. And grown up. How does that happen?

believe it or don't

I am officially smoke-free and it's the craziest thing I've ever experienced. Let me just start by saying that some people don't believe in hypnosis because they think it's some kind of voodoo bullshit. It's not. It's an alternate state of relaxation where your nervous system basically goes to sleep while your conscious mind remains awake, eyes closed and very relaxed, but still awake. It is in that state that your mind it open to suggestions, hence, the suggestion that smoking is for the birds. It was creepy people. I'm not going to go into the hypnosis part itself cause it's too long and boring, but I will say that I remember ever single word that was said and for much of the time kept thinking, "is this really gonna work cause he's just telling me to not smoke and, c'mon, who hasn't told me that?" But, I'll be damned. I officially haven't smoked for almost 48 hours. and that shit is crazy. Aside from the pregnancies, I can't remember when I went 2 days( much less 2 hours!)

So, what do I feel like, you say? I actually feel the same as before only I have no desire to smoke. I don't have that, "i'm gonna fucking rip my hair out if I don't smoke" feeling. Most of my fleeting thoughts are of thinking I need to smoke, but then are corrected by "the new me." For example, Wade called me Tuesday afternoon and said, "I'll pick the kids up around 6 and get ice cream." My instant fleeting thought was, "Oh good, I can smoke." And then I remembered that I don't smoke anymore. This scenario has happened about 100 times since I quit. I got rid of the desire, now it's up to me to kick the actual habit part. And it's oh so hard, but sooooooo much easier at the same time. I can totally see how my day was centered and surrounded by smoking just from the fleeting thoughts. I have all the confidence in myself to stay quit and I feel like each day that goes by the thoughts of smoking will fade (like a puff of smoke...sorry, couldn't help myself).

This is the chant he told me while under hypnosis and I keep saying it to myself.
"I am now a non-smoker and will be a non-smoker for the rest of my life"...a bit cheesy, but WHO CARES he somehow tricked my mind into believing it. Give it up for me, people!!!!!!!!!!

The Love Affair

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, yes, I am still alive and that I am sorry for not posting, but we have had numerous computer/camera issues that have left met with little motivation. So on to more pressing issues...

For those of you who know me well, know that I have been battling my addiction to nicotine for all of my adult life. I guess battling is not the correct term to use because that would involve fighting against it and that is something I haven't done. In the 17!! years that I have smoked I have only quit three times. Two of those were when the little girls were in utero and the other time was when Wade made me quit on Grace's first birthday. I lasted 5 months, which is pretty damn good, considering. I quit cold turkey and had the worst, most depressing 5 months. I felt deprived and resentful the entire time. I was just never able to consider myself a non-smoker. It defined me. It was my one and only coping mechanism, which I believe is why I couldn't stay a non-smoker after the pregnancies. I just loved it, LOVE it, and the possibility of doing without made me sick with fear.

So, my friends, the time has finally come. I have come to a point in my life where it is not as enjoyable for me. I finally hate the way it smells, hate the way my life and day is run by my need to smoke. I seriously feel like a crackhead. I have a cigarette and within 10 minutes am wondering when I will get my next "fix". It's pathetic and ridiculous, but mostly just flat out selfish. I have 2 beautiful daughters that, more than likely, don't want to have to take care of their lung cancer-ridden mother during the last few years of her life. I now know, unfortunately, what it's like to lose a mother. Why would I willingly do that to them? Pure selfishness.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 is my quit day. I have an appointment for hypnosis which you can read about here. I am sooo excited to finally be free!!