Before I begin, I just wanted to say that, yes, I am still alive and that I am sorry for not posting, but we have had numerous computer/camera issues that have left met with little motivation. So on to more pressing issues...
For those of you who know me well, know that I have been battling my addiction to nicotine for all of my adult life. I guess battling is not the correct term to use because that would involve fighting against it and that is something I haven't done. In the 17!! years that I have smoked I have only quit three times. Two of those were when the little girls were in utero and the other time was when Wade made me quit on Grace's first birthday. I lasted 5 months, which is pretty damn good, considering. I quit cold turkey and had the worst, most depressing 5 months. I felt deprived and resentful the entire time. I was just never able to consider myself a non-smoker. It defined me. It was my one and only coping mechanism, which I believe is why I couldn't stay a non-smoker after the pregnancies. I just loved it, LOVE it, and the possibility of doing without made me sick with fear.
So, my friends, the time has finally come. I have come to a point in my life where it is not as enjoyable for me. I finally hate the way it smells, hate the way my life and day is run by my need to smoke. I seriously feel like a crackhead. I have a cigarette and within 10 minutes am wondering when I will get my next "fix". It's pathetic and ridiculous, but mostly just flat out selfish. I have 2 beautiful daughters that, more than likely, don't want to have to take care of their lung cancer-ridden mother during the last few years of her life. I now know, unfortunately, what it's like to lose a mother. Why would I willingly do that to them? Pure selfishness.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007 is my quit day. I have an appointment for hypnosis which you can read about here. I am sooo excited to finally be free!!