Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I've been pretty sad today. A couple days ago was the 6 month mark. 98% of my day is fine and then something will happen and I'll be overcome with sadness.
I decided to go to the gravesite today. I hadn't been and I just decided that I would go there today. There's no headstone and no marker yet and I was frantically circling around the area where I knew it was and then it hit me. The spot was there, plain as day. The only grave that had yellowish new grass growing up. Because the spot is so fresh compared to the other ones. It was disturbing and I realized that it had only been 6 freakin' months! I couldn't stay but for a few minutes once I made that realization.
And then Grace asked me tonight before bed if I remembered the time CiCi told her she, "better put some ice in that soup," and did I remember that. I told her I didn't remember that and then it dawned on me that I can't really remember what her voice sounds like. If I think about it really really hard I kinda can, but not the way I want to.
Tomorrow is Sydney's birthday and I also think that is playing a role in this funky day.
I'm only writing these things for an outlet to get it out of my head and into words. It helps me immensely and so none of you people need to worry about me! Thanks for letting me get it out.


Anonymous said...

I don't think any of us worries about you handling it per se, but when you write such poignant thoughts, it's easy to feel these emotions right through you. It's quite something that's it's only been six months, and motherhood makes it so easy to lose track of time anyways- by the time it's been a year or two you'll probably be suprised at the time that's gone by. Sorry about the sadness. -Camille

brooke said...

that's so hard ginny, i can't even imagine.

on a lighter note, happy first ever birthday to miss sydney! i can't wait to meet her, i'm sure she and charley girl will hit it off. they are both, um, kind of chunky. :)

Keithclan said...

Isn't it strange how six months can seem like an eternity and a millisecond at the same time?It seems to me that your mother has continues her bond with you and Grace even in death. I am sure with Sydney's "awareness" that she will not be left out.

Anne said...

i lost my Dad 2 yrs ago and it is still the worst pain I have ever felt. The loss remains unbearable but over time it becomes easier in that you just get used to the feeling. I'm so sorry to hear you are having to experience it.