*I started this post around the actual anniversary, but it has taken me some time to peice this together.
I cannot believe it has been one year. It freaks me out because it flew by and trickled by all at the same time. I had really great intentions for writing another letter to my mom, but at this moment I just don't have it in me. When I think about all the things I want to say to my mom I get overwhelmed. I know everyone knows how hard and sad it is, but it's those little, everyday things that really get me. I think about how much she would have LOVED Sydney. When Grace was her age she was much more serious and wary of people, even my own parents. We had just moved back from Chicago and Grace wasn't that warm or affectionate with them. Sydney would have been quite the opposite just judging by how personable she is, especially with my dad. My mom would have dug that.
This is what Sydney looked like the last time my mom saw her:
Weird, huh. I feel like my life has changed so much, mostly for the better. I got my new job which, as everyone knows, I LURVE! But there is still a feeling that sweeps over me every great once in a while that makes me feel that life is oh so unfair. Telling my dad the funny stuff that Sydney does just isn't cutting it. My mom would have appreciated all that funny stuff, so, unfortunately, I have to bore my husband and friends with all her quirks. Sorry about that folks.
And I ask my dad questions that my mom would have known the answers to that my dad has no fucking clue. It bugs me to no end.
me:"Did mom fix us dinner EVERY single night?"
dad: "yea, I think she did"
me: "well, I know I was picky, did she fix me something different than the rest of the family?"
dad: "no, I think you ate what everyone ate, like pork chops."
me: "I didn't like meat when I was little, dad. I'm pretty sure I didn't like pork chops."
dad: "oh, well, then I don't know."
Argggggg....that shit really bothers me. My mom had a memory bank like a steel trap. She never forgot anything (unless it happened yesterday, but I'm talkin' long term memory here:))
But I am super thankful that Grace hasn't forgotten her. The other day I tested her memory by asking her what Cici looked like. She replied, "she wore glasses, she had those scratches on her face (wrinkles, so cute), and.....(thinking hard here)...she always wore lipstick!"